My husband and I decided we would drive to Michigan with his 88-year old father. There were family members he wanted to reconnect with and old haunts he wanted to revisit, probably for the last time. We knew that he could not tolerate flying and had always loved to travel by car. He was really looking forward to the trip and talked about it often as the time drew near.
My father-in-law, Al, has mild dementia. He moved in with us 10 months ago, and we thought we were prepared for the challenges this trip would present to both him and us. He is pretty independent at home and takes care of himself during the day.
We all packed a week’s worth of clothing. I decided to take some emergency supplies – men’s incontinence guards and a washable bed pad – in the event the bathrooms were too far apart.
The first three hours were uneventful. All of a sudden, Al started to groan in pain and lost control of his bladder. Fortunately, we were just coming to a rest area, where he “dashed” out of the car. Unfortunately, we were too late and he had to change his pants.
That was just the start for him. He could not last longer than 50 minutes before he was overcome with intense pain and incontinence. We stopped at every 50 minutes or less, but still he went through all of his pants and the guards were not sufficient protection. Unfortunately, he had to ride the last couple of hours in wet pants sitting on the bed pad. That was a humiliating day for him.
We washed all of his clothes that night and started the next morning all fresh and clean.
We spent the next days visiting his friends and family, people he had been excited to see. They were all either living at home with home health aides or in nursing homes. During the visits, Al was not his usual talkative self. He would sit quietly in a corner or by the door and appeared depressed. One evening he appeared frightened and said that he wanted to see them all at first, but could only stand about 15 minutes, then wanted “to push them away.” He “did not expect that they would all be so old.”
Our drive back was not as difficult for Al. He was determined not to repeat his previous experience and would argue with us when we practically forced him to use the bathrooms. He was very quiet and appeared depressed. All in all we were relieved to get back home!
I realized that I had underestimated Al’s limitations. He appears to function relatively well in his familiar surroundings and within his daily routine. But looking back on the trip, at times he was frightened and confused and did not know how to respond to his friends and family because they were not as he remembered them.
Since returning, he has talked about how difficult the trip was and rarely mentions who he visited. If I knew Al would hve had such a difficult time, would I have taken him to Michigan? I honestly do not know.